I've always been like this, haven't I?

I guess, I've always felt like I'm out of place. 

I don't want to feel lonely but sometimes that feeling just come in and I just can't change it. I hate it. really. but then I dont know what should I do to overcome it. I stay quiet. I'm observe everyone around. I wanna join but it feels like I have no energy- I'm tired and I just wanna go home. asap.

I always built up a wall, am I?? when I said I wanna change, I know that it's going to take some time and I hope /you/ can accept that (and maybe you could help me?). I believe that everyone do that (shutting down), at some point or another. if it's happen to /you/ I feel like I can understand and hoping that I could help /you/ go pass through it. 

umm... so, someone ever said this to me when I insisted not to take a ride with him & her.

they say: "it's okay, you don't need to feel sorry or worrying about us. It's such a honor to be able to help someone" (approx)

"thank you so much..." I answered clumsily.

ya... that's me. I always feel so thankful to the people who's kind to me, but some part of me also feel sorry because I really afraid to burden her/him.

he also said "tenang aja... kan bukam org asing, kita kan temen" (don't worry... we're not a stranger (?), i know you and you know me- even we're friend."

"jangan nutup diri" he continued.

/sigh/

I don't know T_____T even till now, I feel not comfortable with them, aku masih ngerasa canggung kadang T_____T padahal ya kalau /dia/..... I guess I could a lil bit rely on /him/.

dan setelah diomongin kaya gitu aku jd makin banyak mikir '~' aku takut sikap ku ngecewain atau ngelukain mereka yg udh baik sama aku.. padahal kan kesalahan bukan ada pd mereka, tapi diaku.